Recently, the term Swedish Death Cleaning, or dostadning, has appeared in my social feeds. It comes from the Swedish words for ‘death’ and ‘cleaning’ and was made mainstream after the release of the book “The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning” by Margareta Magnusson.
The idea of Swedish Death Cleaning is for elder folks to begin decluttering, minimizing, and cleaning, prior to death – often starting in their mid 60s (or just after retirement). The thought is that this cleaning will relieve their loved ones of the burden that would otherwise fall onto them.
But I have to wonder, why wait until retirement? There have been numerous comparisons made between Marie Kondo’s ageless “spark joy” theory of decluttering, (also known as KonMari), and Mangusson’s later-in-life Death Cleaning. That’s because at their core, the methods seek a similar goal: Feeling better with less clutter. But it’s the reason for seeking this goal that differs.
Motivation.
Death Cleaning is said to be motivated by the need to relieve loved ones of the burden of clutter. KonMari is motivated by the need to relieve oneself of the burden of clutter.
In her book, Magnusson writes: “I often ask myself, ‘Will anyone I know be happier if I save this?'” And if the answer is no, the item is pitched or given away. Kondo’s method is more personal, urging readers instead to ask, “Will I PERSONALLY be happier if I save this?”
At the end of the day, both methods even go through a similar process: Cataloging and assigning a “joy factor” (KonMari) or a “keep factor” (Death Cleaning) to items.
So Why Not Call It What It Is?
Minimalism, as it’s discussed today, is about changing the role of possessions in our lives. It gives people hope that they can start living a more meaningful life, and their future can be FULL of adventure, relationships, and memories – not just FULL of stuff.
But what does that mean for someone who feels his or her time is coming to a close? Maybe not tomorrow or next month, but in the next decade perhaps. Nobody can know exactly when, where, or how we’ll die – but statistically we’re lucky to live past 80.
For someone who is no longer concerned with what life’s next big adventure is, the term Death Cleaning may be more appealing. Where I’m at right now, I’m all focused on the future. So I declutter – and have been for almost a year– not because I worry about what my kids will have to deal with when I die, but because I desire to live many more years surrounded by simplicity and positivity. (not by stuff).
That being said, as I get older, I imagine myself being less concerned with living for the future as much as wanting to reflect on my past. Perhaps this is the real crux of Death Cleaning: a shift in our mindset that can only come when mortality is in question. When we have more good years behind us than in front of us, perhaps the way we think of minimalism changes.
Letting go.
One of the greatest last gifts you can give a son or daughter, is the ability for them to let go. I speak from experience when I say the pain of sorting stuff after death is real. And it’s not just about the time that goes into it, it’s the questions we loved ones must wrestle with. When my mother passed, it was clear she wasn’t prepared. Despite her many years of illness, none of us were, not really.
I remember the piles of paperwork on her desk. The unfinished projects around the house. The totes filled with partially used crafting supplies. The ungiven gifts she was saving for some special occasion. The photographs tucked in every miscellaneous nook and cranny. The jewelry. The letters. The lamps. The…Stuff.
I remember coming home from the hospital and opening her purse the day she died. I fingered through the pockets: a pair of earrings, checkbook and credit cards, scribbled notes with phone numbers, some cash tucked in the side pocket, wads of tissue, and a handful medications.
I zipped the purse and tossed it in a tote with some of her other stuff. And I didn’t open the purse again until almost 4 years later. (Just last week – pictured above).
That’s right, the emotional burden of everything else left me too paralyzed to clean out her purse – insignificant as the contents were – for 4 years. During that time, a lot of other sorting did happen, just very slowly. I questioned the value of every photograph or possession she owned. Did she even remember she had these things? Did she love them dearly? Or could she have cared less? Every SINGLE item left me wondering. Today, I still wonder if I made the right decisions with what to keep, pitch, donate, etc.
I don’t blame her, but I often wonder if some of the emotional toll could have been avoided if she’d held onto less stuff. If she practiced minimalism earlier in life – or Death Cleaning later in life – so many questions would have been answered.
Minimalism At The Heart.
Perhaps the Swedes are onto something with this new concept of Death Cleaning. Or perhaps we should all just lighten up about the nuances the minimalism and just be happy we’ve been enlightened to it. KonMari, Death Cleaning, or simply “decluttering”, call it what you wish, it’s just another way to think about the minimalism movement, and living only with the things that bring all those good feels.
9 comments
It is difficult to put into words how I feel about this topic but I’ll try. The items I surround myself with are a cumulation of MY life. No one else’s. Although I’m only 52 and hope to live for many more years I’ve already told my son that when I’m gone to please feel free to keep whichever items of mine he feels drawn to but more importantly to feel free to trash anything he doesn’t want. These are MY things MY memories NOT his. I think while most people will admit that because they love something so much they want you to love it as well. We all know that doesn’t actually happen all that often. Let me be surrounded by all the items I love and then let them go and fill your life with your own cherished items. I totally agree with you on having a “curated” life filled with people and items that ‘spark joy’ but at the same time I’m not sure I agree with the Swedish idea of getting rid of stuff simply for the sake of saving my son from the work of having to get rid of it all after I’m gone.
Nice questions/point! I see a lot of elderly, my great grandmothers were included, are forced to downsize in order to go live with a relative or assisted living due to health. It is often pretty traumatic and has to happen so quickly that they feel out of control. Suddenly things that never mattered, like 20 bath towels, are a huge deal because that symbolized their independence. Its really sad. My own grandparents saw that and started “death cleaning” about 10 years ago. Some of my in laws are doing it now. It’s sort of a new issue in an era with an abundance of stuff!
Oh also! Thank you so much for sharing such an intimate part of your life. It’s something few people talk about because it’s just so hard, but it helps equip others (like me!). <3
Thank you for writing about Swedish death cleaning. It’s an emotional hot button and I appreciate the bravery and vulnerability that you shared with us by writing about your mother.
I haven’t heard about Swedish death cleaning here in the UK and find the concept interesting and very relevant to my own situation. My mother died in January and was a bit of a collector of various things. I used to tease her that she was a true victorian in as much as there was no bare surfaces in her home. As my mother was cared for in her last two weeks by a local hospice who are run wholly on charitable donations, I made a decision early on to give anything that that I or the rest of the family did not want to keep, to the hospice charity shops. This made giving away those possessions marginally easier as I told myself that a) they were raising money for a wonderful hospice which would mean enabling someone else at the end of their life to have the same care that my mother received and b) the items were being recycled and as they would be bought they would therefore give joy to someone else. I have to admit it still has not been easy and I have felt exactly the same way you describe; I agonised over every little thing I gave away and still wonder if Mum would be ok with what I have done so far. Some things, like kitchen/electrical equipment went to family members who really needed and wanted them and some items went to a couple of her close friends who requested mementos and for me that was a good outcome. I still have lots of Mum’s things and although I plan on keeping some, the rest will eventually go, but for now I have done enough and cannot do any more this year. When I read that even after four years you still question whether you made the right decision about each item, I can totally relate to that feeling. I also put my Mum’s handbag with all its contents in my closet. I donated all her other bags but the one that she was using stays put, I don’t know when I will feel ready to let it go. At 62yrs I would seem to be the target age for the Swedish Death cleaning and I have decided that I want to live more simply and just keep the joy giving and practical items. Finally, I just want to say that I know it was 4 years ago, but I am sorry for your loss, you were so young to lose your Mum and then deal with all that you have. You seem a lovely young woman and I am sure your mother would be proud of you and how you have coped and I am certain she would tell you that you did good and made the right decisions, because in the end it’s love that matters not possessions.
Thank you for adressing this! And thank you for sharing your experience.
I’m Swedish so the concept of death cleaning is very familiar to me. For years, starting at least 10 years ago, my mother would occasionally tell me that she was death cleaning. It used to annoy me alot. It felt as if she was threatening to die. I didn’t want to hear about it.
A year ago she got very sick and we spent alot of time together until she passed in February 2017. It has been very difficult to accept that she’s not around anymore, despite all the annoying things she could do. But I did appreciate the effort she made to death clean, even though there was alot of stuff left. And I recognize your story about the bag. I couldn’t bring myself to go through her bag and only a few weeks ago a friend, who was helping me to declutter my home found keys to her appartment in that bag, an appartment that I sold 6 months ago.
When my mother passed I and my daughter went in and got some things we wanted to keep. We sold a few things and the rest we let a firm take care of. That was really good. We didn’t have to go through it all, so it was easier to let go of the stuff. I miss her alot, every day, but I’m getting less attached to the stuff, so I will donate more of both her stuff and my own. On my way to minimalism… 🙂
Thank you for being brave enough to tackle this difficult topic. When our elderly mom passed, my brother and I were tasked with clearing her small house and getting it ready to sell to settle the estate and distribute assets to people who were in need. The house was small and we couldn’t believe how much stuff she had neatly squirrelled away. Nearly every gift she’d been given was still new and unused. There were enough kitchenware and bedding for a small hotel. One bedroom had always been named ‘library with floor to ceiling bookcases. on 3 of the 4 walls, full of books; a futon could easily open into a dbl bed. We held a ‘Wake’ for family and close friends, inviting all to take whatever items they might use and enjoy. We tried a couple of yard sales but people made disparaging remarks and insulted us further with silly offers like $ 5. for a $ 300., nearly new lawnmower! Finally, we sent 90% of the stuff to auction and remaining items in good condition to 3 of mom’s favourite charities. Her clothes went to WIN that helps women return to the workforce. We accidentally found a good, experienced realtor who helped us ‘stage’ the house and it sold in a couple of weeks. Brother saw himself as family ‘historian’ so he took all photos and important papers like birth and death certificates, passports, certificates, and awards. He used these for many years to create a new calendar each year around a theme our parents loved for anyone in the extended family that expressed an interest.
I’ve a half dozen items I’ve retained all these years. Now I’m quite ill and became a ‘Konvert ‘ two years ago. A recent open heart surgery has me super aware of the need to release a lot more stuff so that my husband and DSs won’t be stuck with excess stuff. I’m starting my holiday season with a plan to list stuff I no longer use or need. Two years ago we agreed anything new in requires two existing, similar, items must leave. Wow! what a difference that made in our spending!
I watched your video about this a while ago, but I can’t figure out how to comment on youtube! I did want to share with you that I cared for my mil for two years prior to her death from cancer. She never decluttered her house. It just wasn’t something she could do mentally, I think.
I suppose we cleared out her house pretty quickly-in 5 months or so-after her death. Once the house was cleared out, we were able to replace the flooring, stage it, and sell it in a matter of days. We thought all was well. But then my bad dreams started. I repeatedly dreamed versions of the same dream: turns out she wasn’t dead or she came back somehow, she wants to know what happened to all her stuff. How could we get rid of all of her stuff? She was so upset-so mad at us! I would wake in a panic.
I think even the verbal blessing to let it all go OR an apology for leaving such a mess behind would have gone a long way in helping me process her death and her stuff.
Ten years after my mother passed away im still giving away my parents stuff…and im tired as there’s no one else to help me…at the same time im also decluttering our stuff…papers,outdated clothes,bookscassettes,electronics,hobby stuff,etc etc…lifestyles changes and hence im all the more overwhelmed…ill be moving from an independent house to an apartment so hopefully my husband willcooperate and help me declutter…